This year, I attended my first ever Igbo traditional wedding ceremony and visit Anambra state for the first time too. For someone who dodges aso-ebi duties like a pro, I couldn’t sit this one out. A dear friend was tying the knot and this was meant to be a mini-reunion with my girls from the university. I didn’t just get to eat ofe onugbu, take pictures in formation with my squad, but I also learned a valuable lesson from the events of that day that I want to share. I learned about being in the moment and I am currently making adjustments to my life in that regard.
Nigerian traditional wedding ceremonies are beautiful – the outfits, music, the rich display of culture. They’re also stressful with parental requests, extended family with their demands which will sometimes try to distract you from the main act – you are celebrating starting a new life with someone who hopefully will be a lifetime partner. As most weddings go, we’d already experienced some drama; wardrobe malfunctions, the ceremony was running behind schedule and the bride – who was trying to get everything to run smoothly – was getting increasingly worried and frantic with each delayed minute. My other friend ‘N’ had to ask her to calm down and sit still because, at the end of the day, the important thing was that she was marrying the love of her life – which for most people is a once in a lifetime event. Even if the ceremony started late, it did not really matter.
Like what some of us do with our lives, the bride was majoring in the minor.
‘Majoring in the minor’ is an expression that refers to paying attention to or focusing (majoring) on the unimportant things (minor) and giving it priority over the more important things. For most people, they cannot enjoy the present because there is something not going according to plan. The photo is not perfect yet because someone is missing. The idea that the future is absent of troubles is our belief and we want to hurriedly leave our current moment behind.
But moments are in motion, and you must leave the moment to get to your desired future. In my life, I’ve noticed that every new season comes with its own challenges but there are always new blessings, laughter and happy spots – even if I have to squint harder to find them.
I’m always waiting for another event, anxious for the next big thing and hoping that when I get my prayer answered in one area of my life, I would be free to enjoy another area that is flourishing. But in doing so, I’ve missed out on enjoying lots of great moments in my life. I don’t celebrate my achievements because I’m waiting not to ever fail. I’m not being thankful for my blessings because it’s not the one I wanted first or it didn’t come packaged how I asked for it. I’m not being happy because I’m waiting for one more thing to complete the puzzle of my life – graduation, dream job, six figures; but nothing should hold that much power over how happy you are.
Inasmuch as life is in seasons, there is no season of life that we do not bear fruits. There’s no wasted time when God is the one writing the story. But while He writes, we must live. Don’t put a pause on your life while you wait. The absence of a blessing you desire is not the absence of God in your life no matter what your feelings may tell you.
I was recently speaking to a friend who mentioned that whenever we had the opportunity to keep each other in the loop on life changes, I would only talk about career stuff, writing or personal projects I was working on. My friend theorised that the reason I wasn’t married yet was because I was so focused on the other parts of my life and I was neglecting getting married (don’t worry this is not a feature on the over flogged topic of how once you’re in your 20s, Nigerian and still single, everyone decides you should be married or how my aunty reminds me every time she visits that the year 2020 is my deadline to score a handbag – that’s what she calls husbands!). It struck me but not in the way my friend intended.
I have a habit of focusing all my attention on one area of my life – let’s say a job, and my whole life revolves around it for that season. This means that my phone will probably be on airplane mode and I end up neglecting friends. Nothing should consume you to the point where you forget to live.
I’m one of those people that wanted to quickly grow up. The young and wild phase didn’t really appeal to me – I wanted to be an adult. Adulthood represented control to make decisions for myself without answering to anyone. It also meant having to wear stilettos! But adulthood has shocked me; the freedom to make decisions comes with the responsibility to choose rightly. I also find my stilettos pinching my toes and me craving the comfort of my teenage sandals. I should have enjoyed wearing them then.
My early twenties have been a whirlwind of events. From graduating from the university, dealing with death and grief, trying to figure out this adultin’ thing to taking charge of my relationships and career with me barely catching my breath, it’s all been a blur. I have not really been experiencing life in full and stocking up on good memories because I have been waiting to arrive at my destination. Worrying doesn’t shorten the journey, it will only leave you weary. That’s why I’ve made the decision to be fully immersed in soaking up new experiences. I decided that I will no longer let life pass me by because I’m waiting for my ‘big break’. I will no longer wait for my finances to be perfect before I give, wait for an apology before I forgive, wait to get my life together before I check up on my friends or wait to be perfect before I serve in church. I want to arrive at my 30s with lessons learned, a better sense of me and a full understanding of my purpose. Not with regrets of what could have been.
This year, I’ve experienced some of my lowest lows but I’ve also been incredibly blessed to celebrate some outstanding highs, not just for me but for my loved ones too. I want to be there for the highs. As the curtain draws on 2019, I don’t want to have only memories of me still failing at drawing the perfect brows. I want to look at my pictures and love my smile. I’ve learned from my past experiences that the things you worry about won’t matter in 5 years – your CGPA, relationship, current job or lack of one. There’ll be new challenges, so make new friends in university, volunteer while job hunting and enjoy singleness, being in the moment is what should be your major.
I was looking for something in my drafts folder recently and found my bucket list with twenty items on it (I have a milestone birthday to celebrate next year) and realized only two items had been done on the list. Usually, this would have had me wallowing in regret over how much was yet to be achieved but instead, I saw growth. I haven’t landed the dream job but I’m forging my path, saying no to opportunities that don’t allow me define my career on my own terms. The vacation trip hasn’t happened yet but I’ve curated new memories in unplanned travels. I haven’t done most of the things on that list but I have done things I couldn’t dream about years ago. I hadn’t taken the route I had intended to but I was on my way, I hadn’t become who I thought I would be, but I had unbecome my fears and insecurities.
At the end of the day, ‘this life na once’, so enjoy every moment. We don’t get to repeat days. Even the best-laid plans don’t often come together, smile. Even when the sound from the DJ cuts off in the middle of you dancing with your husband, focus on enjoying your wedding! You’ll never have that dance again or be 21, as Angeloh says in his song ‘we go dey ok’.
So tell me, where have you majored in the minor in your life? Or where are you still struggling to not major in the minor currently?
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